She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
