??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
