Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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