Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
