A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
