I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize