I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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