so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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