Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
