I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
