You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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