I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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