Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
