Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
