last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Randomize
