meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
