I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
