You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
