I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
