I faked an abortion last night.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
