i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize