maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
