New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
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