tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Randomize
