I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
