I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
