If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
