she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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