You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
