I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
