My sheets look like a crime scene.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize