Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
