Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
