I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
