Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Let's paint friendship bongs
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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