Sry I called you an 8
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
