I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Houston, we have a squirter
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Found the puke drawer
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Randomize
