then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
