Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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