next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Randomize
