A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
You're completely useless in the revolution.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
FUCK WHALES
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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