Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
