Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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