"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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