Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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