i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
