my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
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