I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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