i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
