I can tuck mytits in my pants
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
