I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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