Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
