i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
