Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
