I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
