The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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