So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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