I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
