all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
