I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
